Ah the New Years resolution.  It is such a noble pursuit.  One sets a goal with intentions of betterment.  That one day of willpower and determination causing  loud booze-fueled declarations for change and alterations of 364 days of non-action.

For those who actually recall their new years resolution, the success rate is 8%. Not a very strong indicator that making the New Years resolution will pan out well.  Most don’t recognize the continuous effort that it actually takes to stay in shape and to lead a healthy lifestyle.  It needs to become a habit.  It needs to be something that is part of you, not something you dabble in.  When properly maintained, this habit has countless benefits.  I am a strong proponent of exercise and an active lifestyle.  I have maintained this habit for over 10 years, at a regular execution of 4 to 5 days a week.  I think even three days is reasonable for most people and a lot of things can even be done at home to exercise.

The new year causes a predictable increase of gym goers trying to achieve that wild resolution.  I’ll be sad to see them go in three weeks when I won’t have to wait for the overweight neophyte to disentangle himself from the cable machine that he was attempting to utilize.  As a regular gym attendee though, I do find that some tendencies annoy me to no end.  I applaud those who are making the effort but would like to highlight those that crush the experience for everyone.

1. Guy/girl with too tight or too small clothing for their physique – To the guy who is wearing a youth size small and underwear protruding from the pants that the shirt doesn’t cover; buy some clothes that fit.  You are 23 and in good shape but having to see male midriff with every exercise isn’t necessary. We are in Pennsylvania, not Venice beach.  On the same note, the overweight male/female with too tight-fitting clothes. Some things are best left to the imagination.  Rippling cellulite underneath those tights just isn’t working. Massive gut protruding from the lower region of the t-shirt isn’t helping anyone.  Let’s try a mumu folks.

2. Leaving residue/liquid on machines – If you sweat a lot wipe off the machine.  It’s really simple. If you do your part and wipe off the machine, there’s no need to drench the equipment.  If the next person has to remove liquid from the equipment, regardless   of what it is, that is a fail.

3a. Grunting and guttural utterances – It’s a physical exertion to lift weights.  That is the point, to have some strain on your muscles so they develop. However, making grunting sounds akin to a  cross between a tennis player and rhino is annoying, distracting, and unnecessary.

3b. Supporting your lifting parter by yelling at them – Leave the support to the jock strap please.  Yelling at the person who is lifting weights is just ridiculous.  If one guy is spotting another bench pressing and is screaming “You got this!” “Get that shit!” “All you!” One might wonder if the exercise is preparation for a gay porn, a bar fight, or some sort of bizarre frat ritual.

3c Combine 3a and 3b for the worst possible scenario.

4. Guy who uses too much Icy Hot/Aspercreme – These aids can help when muscles hurt. Applying it before exercise seems  the opposite of its intended use.  Applying an entire container and then executing an exercise regiment where you traverse the entire gym spreading your noxious menthol/ball sweat aroma around is a dick move.

5. Excessive socializing/loitering – Two hours to get a workout in? That seems excessive. But it isn’t if you take 5 minutes to sit on a machine and text your friends in between sets.  Or alternatively, you chat with your lifting buddy about your weekend while I patiently wait to use the one leg press machine in the entire gym.  Taking up 20 minutes on one machine is the equivalent of about a third of my entire workout.  Please be considerate.

6. Slamming weights around – The weight plates make a sound when you push them against each other.  How about not trying to slam them together like you are trying to sound a bell in a medieval town being invaded by a neighboring fiefdom? There is aggression involved with lifting weights, but when I can hear the clanging above the din of my music, the gyms music, TV noise, and the hum of treadmills it’s a little too much.  Doing it with 10lb plates is pathetic. The same applies to those who throw their dumbbells around after a set of chest press, it’s annoying and dangerous.  Control the weight and be considerate of others.  Doing pull downs with cables?  Letting the weight stack slam down after every set pretty much qualifies at attention seeking behavior. Please stop.

7. Incorrect use of equipment – We’ve all seen you with your poor form and positioning backward on the machine.  If you don’t know what it’s for, please see the affixed guide. If you don’t know how to work your biceps, please read a book or consult the nearest gym employee.  Failure to do this will result in looking extremely stupid, as well as potential injury.

8. Weird stretching/taking up too much space to stretch – I don’t know what you are preparing for when you contort yourself into a position that looks like self-felatio, but I hope that stretch is necessary.  I’m hoping that your deep pelvic bowl is going to help with your bench press, but I doubt it.  If your stretching routine necessitates everyone cautiously circumventing your sprawl just to get to the ab crunch machine, maybe stretch before you get to the gym. Again, be considerate.

9. No cardio – If you can bench 450 but can’t jog half a mile, you fail. I don’t care if I have to run away from you in a fight, you’ll be gassed in 2 minutes and maybe I’ll get a tech win when your weak heart explodes.

10. Excessive nudity in the locker room – There’s a fine line here.  I like to think of it this way, if you shower at the gym, the next steps are towelling off and donning underwear.  After that you can do your hair, shave, dance around  locker room like a faun, doesn’t matter to me. But first, put on some underwear.

This is not an all-inclusive list, and I encourage input if there are additional pet peeves to share.  Good luck with those new years resolutions.

Humbly yours,

J